


Can't Take It

by JamsAndApples



Category: Frostiron - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Feels, Good Loki, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kind of an accidental thing, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tony Angst, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, it's not /that/ bad, kind of, kind of not, some heavy tags here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 00:35:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10842777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamsAndApples/pseuds/JamsAndApples
Summary: Tony's just.. Done.





	Can't Take It

**Author's Note:**

> So, this hasn't been proofread or anything. I'm not quite sure how well everything makes sense and it's damn late, the time I'm posting it so I don't really have the energy to go through it at the moment. If anyone does happen to see anything that you think should be changed or something that's wrong and really pulls you from the setting and such of the story, please let me know, I'll gladly see what I could do to fix it. Comments are completely welcome. It's more or less a vent? thing so bear with me if it sounds too unreasonable. Hope it's enjoyable though!
> 
> The lyrics below are from "No More" By Three Days Grace and it's the song that helped me focus enough on writing it and inspired it!

_Give me reason to stay here_

_Cause I don't wanna live in fear (don't wanna live in fear)_

_I can't stop the rain_

_But I can stop the tears_

_Oh I can fight the fire_

_But I can't fight the fear_

_No more, I just can't live here_

_No more, I can't take it, can't take it…_

_Give me a reason to believe_

_Cause you don’t wanna see me leave_

 

“Anthony _please,_ step away from there. You’re way too close to th-”

 

“too close to what? The edge? What if this is where I _want_ to be?” The brunette’s voice rose loud enough to cut Loki’s sentence off before it could end.

 

“Anthony why would you want to be there?”

 

“ _Why?_ It’s that seriously what you’re asking me?” Tony looked down at the god from where he stood, balanced on the railing of the balcony just one wrong step away from falling. Or maybe it would be considered a right step in this case. Tears brimmed in either males' eyes as they faced off in the middle of the cold night.

 

“Yes.. That is what I’m asking you.” Loki very slowly nodded his head before wincing when the other tilted his head back and barked a loud, broken, laugh. “I do not see what is so funny Anth-”

 

“Oh, would you cut it out with the formality?!” Tony snapped, looking forward again to glare down at the man standing in front of him. Just ask quickly as he got angry he relaxed again, enough to put a grin on his face that spoke anything but happiness. “A better question would by why I _wouldn’t_ want to be here and guess what? You’re about the only reason why I’d even consider stepping down. And barely. Like, have you _seriously_ not noticed _anything_ that’s been happening? Because just the events in the past few months have given me all reasons I need to be up here.”  With a shuddering sigh he rubbed his hands down his face, getting rid of the tears that threatened to blur his vision and to somewhat help him regain his composure.

 

Across him Loki stood still, his body wound up like a cat ready to pounce- which wasn’t exactly untrue. Too emotionally distraught, his magic was as useless to him as it was to Thor so he needed to be ready to move the moment Tony did. How else could he stop him from falling over if the other man decided he had, had enough of this conversation.

 

“You want an explanation? Well hoo boy, you’re in for a good one. Now, let’s think about this for a moment. Why in the _world_ would Anthony Edward Stark _ever_ want to kill himself? Let’s start with the most recent things shall we? Well for one he basically destroyed the Avengers! That’s, oh man, that’s a good one ain’t it? Pretty big, pretty valid-”

 

“You were not the one who destroyed the Avengers. It was Rogers and his bullheadedness that-” Loki started quickly, only to be cut off once again by the genius.

 

“I beg to differ! If I hadn’t pulled a _classic_ Tony Stark move and maybe properly talked to people and not held fucking _secrets_ from the others all those many times, maybe then they could actually **trust** me for once in their lives!” Stark balled his fists up hard enough for his knuckles to go white while his fingernails dug into his palms. “Are you still going to fight me and tell me that it’s not my fault? Or can I move onto my next point?”

 

“If-” He wanted to speak, to fight against what Tony was saying but Loki could sense that he just wouldn’t be able to win this battle, plus it would be better to say his rapidly depleting energy to fight a better one, one he knew he’d be able to win. “..Go on.”

 

“Perfect.” Tony lifted his chin with pride, puffing out his chest and everything- looking very chipper for a man seconds away from allowing himself to plummet to the ground- before sighing and letting his gaze drop to the floor of the balcony. It was a moment before he would start up again as he gave himself that time to appreciate the beauty of the night he chose for such an event. The moon shone brightly above them and, coupled with the cool, gentle, breeze that blew against whatever skin was bare, made this a night any sane person would simply die for. I mean, how could you pass up the serenity of a quiet night in the city where, for once, you can be bathed in the moonlight of a clear navy sky- well maybe not clear but as clear as you can get for New York City- and simply relax without having to worry about being too hot or too cold. It seemed Tony was taking the phrase ‘to die for’ a bit too seriously huh? “Next up! Let’s see, actually, what would I classify as next? How about we skip down to Ultron, yeah? That one sent Brucie Bear into hiding before anyone else! It also destroyed a whole city, killed probably thousands of people- more than you did if I’m right. In a single night, you killed 80, in the span of a few hours, I killed uh, I’m assuming way more than that. One of which- I say one but I really mean at least.. A lot- had a mother who decided to come up to my face and let me know that she blamed me for it. I mean, she’s not wrong for it, neither are the other parents who have stopped me in the street, sent letters, called to leave voicemails and uh, just about anything else you could imagine and hooooo boy! Can you imagine how many more people started contacting me once the other Avengers went rouge? Dammit, you know, we were off this topic- whatever it’s okay, all part of my note now anyway. That number- despite the fact that a loooottttt of people wanted this whole Accord thing to be put into action- pretty much tripled because it wasn’t just parents contacting me. No, it was just everyone you could possibly think of. Why? Because I ‘ruined the Avengers’ or I ‘was too easy on Steve’ and ‘should have never let them escape’. I’m ‘an asshole who deserves to be shot down. Literally,’”

 

At that last one, Loki’s eyes widened. How could anyone say anything like that to someone? Especially Tony of all people. Iron Man! Over something that he didn’t even have full control over! He wanted to speak but honestly, what was he meant to say? There were only so many things he could use to somewhat justify what had happened and that would only work to a certain degree. It would probably be as helpful as telling people that his mind was basically being controlled by Thanos during the whole Midgard fiasco he led, which wasn't very helpful at all.

 

“Babe if you’re shocked over that one, boy do I have the stash of messages to show you! Or well, Friday could show you. I won’t actually be here to do it though I’d love to see your reaction. Hm.. I’ll have to think about it. Anyway, I’m kind of paraphrasing a bit because, as smart as I am, I don’t actually like to remember the death threats I get down to the tee. It’s not the most comfortable thing you know? Back to the original point though, Ultron. Yes, it came from a place that wasn’t me, yeah, Bruce helped out and sure I had good intentions. Does any of that really matter, though, when what I did created a big, nearly indestructible robot who was just seconds away from having the whole world under his control? I mean, he was exactly like me too so I mean, what else do I need to show you that I shouldn’t actually even be allowed to live anymore?” Tony’s tone held onto its usual sarcastic edge but rather than sounding amused, it was broken. Utterly broken.

 

There was only one thing keeping Tony on that ledge and it was Loki. As much as he refused to believe it, he didn’t really _want_ to die. He wanted out yes, but not to die. He honestly just couldn’t take this anymore. Any of it. He’d had less threats against his life when he was actually making weapons that, apparently, anyone could use to kill each other with. Now that he was _helping_ people he was being criticized left and right. Don’t get him wrong though, Tony could take a whole lot of criticism, but this was completely different and just did not stop. There was a limit to his ability to simply handle everything and that was proven by the anxiety attacks. Did you really believe those ever stopped? As if. They had only gotten better for a little while, fading to the back of his mind until they were starting to get triggered again which was, coincidentally, after Ultron! Funny how everything works together right? We’ll get back to that- er, Tony will- but right now honestly Tony just needed one good reason to stay here. Stay alive. As cliche as that was. It wasn’t really a reason that he thought would change his mind immediately though, especially seeming as his one and only reason was standing right in front of him.

 

Loki’s heart pounded in his chest, much like Tony’s was in his own, as he took a small, calculated step forward, “Love, please. I know many things about pain, I know the feeling of not being wanted, not wanting to live.. But I, out of all people, should know how terrible that actually works out for you. You’ve seen some of the aftermath to my own attempt. You  must have heard about the way Thor was left after, have you not? You saw the way it turned out for me-”

 

“Yeah wait hold up, don’t compare the two of us sweetthang. You let yourself fall and wanted to die yeah, but you fell in _space_ as some kind of _god_. You knew there was only a slim chance you’d actually die, and you knew how to get out of there if you needed to. You know your way around those kinds of things and you had your magic that could get you somewhere. Yes, you could have died and that was your aim, but honestly, it was only partially your aim. I can tell with the way you brought it up. You might be the ‘god of lies’ but you’re terrible at telling half truths. If dying wasn’t your main goal you wouldn’t bring it up like it was some dumb school lesson. I’ve seen lotsa people talk about suicide and their attempts. They always start in a whisper or with nonchalance. Even if they wanted to make a point, never have I heard someone- even with that dumb Shakespeare accent you’ve got going on- bring it up like you did. With that high and mighty sound. Don’t give me the shit.” It was less Tony snapping at the other and more him just wanting Loki to stop. He didn’t need to hear how terribly other attempts went for people. All he needed was to do it, or a good reason to not do it.

 

That sounded selfish.. You know what? Hell yeah it was selfish. All of this was Tony being selfish. It was for the last time though so it made it all okay. This was all just because _Tony_ didn’t want to deal with it anymore. Because _Tony_ **couldn’t** deal with it anymore. _Tony_ wanted out and _Tony_ saw this as the best way to do it. He knew it wasn’t actually the best way. He knew there were better ways and even if there weren’t ‘better’ ways, there were ways he could learn to deal with everything. He’s done it before. He just.. He didn’t _want_ to anymore. Living and all the things that came with it had become such a painful chore for him, he was surprised it even took this long. Tony was surprised he was even still on the railing right now.

 

His legs were getting tired though.. Tony in general was getting tired and Loki could see it. If he could just.. “A- Love. Hot shot. I’m sorry, I will not give you anymore lectures, especially not on my own experience. Just please, come down from there. You can finish off with your points, we can continue talking about it- about everything- just please. You’re obviously tired-”

 

Once again Loki would be cut off by the same sarcastic and broken voice, “Oh, you’re just seeing this now? Hasn’t it been obvious this entire time? Loki I’ve been _obviously_ tired since coming out of Afghanistan. Well, maybe not this tired, but pretty tired. I don’t even know what deity thought it was a good idea to set me free and then let me loose on Malibu and New York. America really. The world might be better. I don’t know how thought it was a good idea to set Tony Stark free but I bet they’re regretting it as much as I am now. I shouldn’t have been allowed to get this far. Especially without having the reactor in my chest. Honestly, who thought it was a good idea to give me a moment of calm? I should always be stuck with that. Well.. I guess I am. Have you taken a good look at my chest before? It’s caved in, covered in scars.. They could probably fix it with surgery but honestly I don’t want them to. That would be giving me the chance to forget about it and I can’t do that. I don’t deserve it with all the things I’ve done since. Now before you say that I’ve done good too, let me remind you that all the good things I’ve done, came after doing a bunch of harmful stupid bad things. For every three screw ups, I do one thing that fixes it. It’s kind of like a cake. The good things are the sprinkles and maybe the icing, and the bad things are the actual cake. My cupcake has some BANGIN’ sprinkles and hella sweet icing but no matter how much of that I put on it, there’s always going to be the cake and usually, there is far more cake than that other good stuff…. Oh god I just compared my life to a cake. Heh, I bet this would be a piece of cake then.” Tony grinned, momentarily looking like the idiot he usually was.

 

The happier Tony that cracked jokes and made dumb robots that he treated like children. The Tony that wasn’t really around anymore aside from these bittersweet moments. This is probably the bitterest one of them all though since it was happening while he was balancing on that railing.

 

A small gasp escaped Tony’s lips as he shut his eyes and quickly realized it was a small sob. He didn’t want this. Any of this. He just wanted to sleep. Maybe in Loki’s arms like he was doing the night before. Or even on his own, that was okay too. He just needed to sleep though. The brunette lifted a foot to step down but-

 

“TONY!” Loki screamed as he rushed forward as fast as he could, desperate to catch the now falling Stark.

  
He’d moved the wrong way. Or maybe it was the right way.


End file.
